Grief Lessons

15 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”

19 David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.


“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”


20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.


21 His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”


22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me” – 2 Sam. 12

A few weeks ago I shared with you how the death of my wife has changed the way I listen and counsel others who have marital problems. (See “Just One More Time.”)

This time I want to share how I am handling the grieving process. Now remember, this is all new to me. I am not an expert in this, nor do I want to me. God in His infinite wisdom and loving care decided to bring me through this and to show me some things along the way. So, I would like to share some of the experiences and lessons I’ve learned.

What was extremely helpful to me was the story of David’s grief over the lost of his first born son from Bathsheba (see 2 Sam. 12). David had an illicit relationship with her and got her pregnant. He married her soon after he had her husband killed. She gave birth to their son, but God struck the child with some form of sickness (2 Sam. 12:15). David’s son was doomed from the start. Here is what David did.

First, David fasted and prayed fervently for the child to be spared and healed (v. 16). He lay all night on the ground. He was so grief stricken and so heart struck that he could not get up to eat or attend to his duties (v. 17).

Then the child died and David’s elders where afraid to tell him about it. They thought, if he was so grief stricken while the child was alive and sick, how much more worse would he be now that the child is dead (v. 18).

But David knew that something was up, so he asked his elders if the child was dead (v. 19). He received that dreaded answer, “Yes!”

But then something really strange happened. David got up, washed himself, anointed his face, changed his clothes, came to the house of the Lord and worshiped. Afterwards, he went home and had a big meal (v. 20).

His servants were awe struck. They said to him, “We do not understand you, David. When the child was alive but sick, you were so sad and grieving. Your heart was crushed. But when the child died, you got up and ate. What is wrong with you” (v. 21)?

David’s reply to them is so classic: He said, “While the child was alive I indeed fasted, prayed and wept. For I had hope that perhaps God would be gracious to me and let the child live (v. 22). But now that he has died, why should I fast and continue mourning? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me” (v. 23).

From David’s life, the Lord showed me the following principles concerning grieving:

First, there is a time to weep and a time to stop.

When my wife was sick, I prayed profusely. I was by her bedside like any loving husband would be – twice a day and many times I would spend the night when she was in Hospice. I would look at her, cry, mourn and plead with God silently as she lay in her bed struggling to breathe! The two months when she first was told she had ovarian cancer until she passed away was a ride I will never forget. I was paralyzed with grief, sadness, and despair.

Then her death occurred. Although I am so thankful that she is in the arms of Jesus, the separation that occurred was added grief upon grief. But then, after about three months, something strange happened. I was getting over it. I found myself not grieving the way I had been. Spiritually, I got up, washed myself, anointed by head, put on some clothes, worship God in a new and fresh manner, ate and got on with my life.

Why? There is a time to weep and a time to stop! We’re told this by Solomon who was given to David and Bathsheba as their son after the death of their first born these words: “There is an appointed time for everything. . .a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Eccles. 3:1, 4-5). How did Solomon know this? Perhaps, it was told to him by his father who was well experienced.

I have made friends with other men who have lost their wives, some are older than I and some are younger. This one thing I have learned – no two people grieve the same. Everyone has their time, their method, their ways. But like David, there is a time to weep and a time to stop!

Second, there will be others who will not understand but formulate their own judgmental conclusions.

When David arose and washed himself, worshiped and ate, his servants said to him, “What is wrong with you? We do not understand you.” This happened immediately. David wasted no time. After his son died, you know what David did? He got on with his life!

But because his manner of recovery was so unconventional and the timing was so quick in their eyes, his servants were critical of him.

I have found this to be so even with me. I happily share with others how I am moving on with my life. My grieving process is falling behind me. A few (thank God), not very many are surprised! “What? It has only been a few months since Paula died. And you are what? Dating? No way! How can you do this? What kind of a grieving husband are you anyway?”

LOL! When I get wind of this, I just laugh inside. This is what also happened to David. You know what I find strange in this story? Not one person – NOT ONE, ever said to David, “WooooHooooo, I am so happy for you David. You are moving on with your life. You have a kingdom to manage. You have a life to live. The best years of your life are still ahead of you. That’s so awesome that with God’s help, you are putting this period of your life behind you and moving on!” You will not find anyone saying anything like that to David.

You know what else I find interesting in this story? No where does God ever condemned David for the manner in which he grieved. For some, David’s rapid recovery was so out of the box and unconventional. But God had the opportunity to say something about it if it was wrong, but He didn’t.

David moved on with his life. His best years were still ahead of him, not behind. Isn’t this what we all believe as Christians? Don’t you feel that whatever happened to you in the past is just that – in the past, but in moving on, God still has much more for you to do and experience as you partner with Him?

I know of a few people who have lost their wives and years later they refuse to let it go. One person I meet with on a monthly basis lost his wife to ovarian cancer over five years ago. He told me that he will never date or go out with anyone. He said he can’t. He feels obligated to his dead wife. Now when I hear this I am shocked. If there is a sense of shock over someone who stops grieving too quickly, then there is also a sense of shock over someone who grieves too long. I saw him the other day as I was out walking and said, “Hi, how is your day going?” He put his head down and said, “Ahhhh, okay I guess.” I smiled and walked away thinking, here is a man who is younger than I, yet his continual commitment to grieve over his dead wife of five plus years keeps him from moving on. I would love to share with him how God is helping me to move on, but I can’t because I know it would only make him feel worse.

Listen, no matter what you set out to do in life, you will have your critics. You know what sustained David and made him rise above it all? His theology! He said, “I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.”

Don’t let others tell you the right or wrong way to grieve. Don’t let others tell you that you need to set for yourself certain time restrictions and limits. Of course, listen to them in terms of eating a fish – swallow the meat but spit out the bones. But over all and certainly above all, it will be your understanding of God’s Word that will catapult you over your grieving process and into a new beginning.

Third, it was after David finished grieving that he worshiped God (v. 20).

I find this to be so true of me. When my wife was sick and dying of cancer and in Hospice care, I was in church, singing, praying, preaching, etc. Yet it was also true that although I was there in church physically, my heart was elsewhere. I was constantly checking my phone. I was looking at the clock hoping that the service would speed up so I could leave and get back to being by her side. It was not until my grieving process subsided that my worship came back with such a strong and energetic force. It just seems to me that since this is true, the quicker with God’s help we get over our grief, the better it will be during our times of worship. And shouldn’t we give to God all of our hearts in this manner?

Listen carefully: Satan is very subtle. He can get us to make even grief a substitute for God. Watch for this. Grief and grieving are good things, but if wrongly abused, we can turn such things into a god and put them before the Lord and become so consumed by such things. Don’t let this happen. There is a time to weep and a time to get over it.

Finally, I like what verse 24 says, “Then David comforted his wife, Bathsheba.” Here is the fourth principle: A person will be of no good to others if he is consumed by his grief.

It wasn’t until David got over his grief, spent time in worship, that he was able to bring comfort and help to someone else.

I am a pastor. A huge part of my calling is to help and minister to people. If I am consumed with grief, I will be so self-focused, so self-centered, so self-absorb, that I would not have anything left in me to give out to others. So it behooves me with God’s help to get over my grief as soon as possible, not rushing things of course, but not prolonging it either.

David got over his and he was able to bring comfort to his wife. I find myself also able to minister more to others now that I am much over my wife’s passing.

Yesterday, I went to see one of our church members who is at Kaiser. He has been in there since December 4, 2010. I visited with him for about an hour and a half. We laughed, joked, talked, prayed, took pictures, watched TV, etc. I do not ever stay that long when visiting someone in the hospital. But this time because of the situation this person is in, I felt the need to give more of myself to him. And you know what? I was able to, because I was not self-absorbed in grief.

There are others like him out there and many more in my church. I cannot fully serve, love and minister to the sheep if I am not over my grieving process.

So what have I learned? Four principles about grieving:
1. There is a time to weep and a time to stop.
2. There will be others who will not understand but formulate their own judgmental conclusions.
3. It was after David finished grieving that he worshiped God.
4. A person will be of no good to others if he is consumed by his grief.

I am not an expert in this area nor do I wish to be. But these are four things that God has shown me to get me over the hill of my grief. I hope you will never have to walk in my shoes. But the sad thing is some of you will. When it does come, remember the story of David’s grief and how he got over his. Let God walk you through it. And don’t let anyone tell you that there is one universal way for everyone to grieve. Such a person is a fool. Know your bible and your bible will help to see you through.

Just One More Time. . .

Lately, I’ve been somewhat worried on how I tend to listen to couples who share with me their marital issues. When a husband talks to me about what is going on with him and his wife, or a wife about the issues between her and her husband, I listen, but I do not listen in the way I use to when my own wife was alive.

Let me explain. When Paula was alive and partnering with me in ministry, I would listen to someone talk about his or her marital issues and prayerfully consider what to say. I was eager to support, share a verse from the bible, encourage the person to take practical steps to make things better, and to trust God to work His will into their relationship. In other words, I was eager to counsel and offer help.

But since the death of my wife, I don’t have that same desire. Instead, when I hear someone share with me their marital issues, all I want to hear is “more of it!” Does this sound strange? I find myself enjoying when a man talks about being put in the dog house by his wife. I find so much delight when I hear of a husband saying how his wife does this or that, or how it was hard to come to church because he and his wife got into a verbal argument. I delight so much when I hear a wife tell me her husband does not keep his end of the bargain and spend time with her in prayer and devotions. I love it when I hear her tell me how he does not listen to her when she gives him good advice, but he stubbornly does what he wants. I love hearing these things and I long to hear more!

What is wrong with me? And you know what else is troublesome to me? At the end, I offer no advice, no counsel, no verse from the bible. Why? All I want is to hear more stories about people’s marital struggles.

This has been going for quite some time now and I have been bothered by it. “Lord,” I prayed, “what is going on with me?” A few days ago, God showed me the answer.

I went out walking where I live. There is this grave site which is quite nice to walk through – very hilly and the scenery is so nice. As I was walking down a hill getting ready to exit the grave site, a friend of mine who also lost his wife to cancer five years ago was motioning me to come to him. I noticed that there were two cars on each side of the guard shack where he was working – one on his left and one on his right side.

When I came to him, he introduced me to the person on his right – a pastor from a church in town. Then he introduced me to the person on his left – a retired college teacher. Both recently lost their wives.

As the four of us were sharing stories, laughing, remembering, getting to know one another, I shared with them how strange it was for me as a pastor to delight so much in listening to other people’s marital problems. I told them that I offer no counsel, no verse from the bible, all I want instead is to hear people’s stories. Why do I feel like this?

My friend shared something with rest of us that floored us because he hit the answer right on the head. He said that he too gets the same thing working at the grave site. He often hears other employees talk to him about their wives or husbands.

One morning while he was working, a fellow employee pulled up to the guard shack. His wife was driving the car. He got out and marched around the car looking terribly upset. She did not say a word to him but quickly took off. When he got into the guard shack and started to unload on my friend what had transpired that morning between him and his wife, my friend said, “I would give everything I have to experience what you are telling me, just one more time!”

When he said this, all three of us who were listening shouted “Yes! That’s it. That’s so true!”

And later as I walked away from that impromptu meeting, I had my answer. Now I understand why I long to hear of people share with me their marital struggles. It is because I reminisce during the times when I was married. I so much desire to hear my wife tell me, “Please turn off the light so I can get some sleep!” LOL! I long to have just ONE MORE ARUGMENT with my wife over something silly. I desire greatly to hear her say, “Please don’t use that joke in your sermon.” I miss so much tickling her and seeing her face get all contorted and trying desperately to run from me but I would grab her arm and pull her back in bed. I miss her telling me, “Did you shower yet?” And I would say, “Why?” She would twitch her nose and say, “Because you need one!” LOL!

I miss her telling me what to buy at the store and then her reaction when I would come home and apologetically tell her, “I forgot.” I would give everything to hear her scold me again; to rebuke me over a character flaw; to nag me to the point where I want to run into the corner of the house.

I miss going to the store and getting upset over not being able to find her so I could leave. I miss hearing, “Can I get another box of hair color from Down to Earth?” I would reply, “What? Didn’t you just color your hair?” And she would always say, “You always tell me that. It has been a month now.” And then she would show me the gray roots in her hair.

I would do anything and give anything just to have one more argument, one more fight, one more moment of total frustration with my wife! Just one more, that’s all I am asking!

But YOU, oh, you are blessed and you do not even know it. You have each other! You see your issues as personal inconveniences, troublesome moments, and perplexing problems. But listen carefully to what I have to say next. You will NEVER EVER understand fully what you have in your marriage until it is over! You might gain after reading this a better appreciation and understanding, but, take it from someone who is living on this side of life, you will never fully understand the depth and blessing of your marital status until the one you are married to is gone. Then and only then will you understand what you had, but then it will be a only thought, a fantasy, and an “if-only” moment.

Folks, I have chosen to open this side of my life with you to hopefully get you to understand and appreciate your spouse. Your arguments, your issues, your concerns, are probably valid. But cherish those times together. Because some of us would give away all that we have, just to be in your shoes one more time.