Lately, I’ve been somewhat worried on how I tend to listen to couples who share with me their marital issues. When a husband talks to me about what is going on with him and his wife, or a wife about the issues between her and her husband, I listen, but I do not listen in the way I use to when my own wife was alive.
Let me explain. When Paula was alive and partnering with me in ministry, I would listen to someone talk about his or her marital issues and prayerfully consider what to say. I was eager to support, share a verse from the bible, encourage the person to take practical steps to make things better, and to trust God to work His will into their relationship. In other words, I was eager to counsel and offer help.
But since the death of my wife, I don’t have that same desire. Instead, when I hear someone share with me their marital issues, all I want to hear is “more of it!” Does this sound strange? I find myself enjoying when a man talks about being put in the dog house by his wife. I find so much delight when I hear of a husband saying how his wife does this or that, or how it was hard to come to church because he and his wife got into a verbal argument. I delight so much when I hear a wife tell me her husband does not keep his end of the bargain and spend time with her in prayer and devotions. I love it when I hear her tell me how he does not listen to her when she gives him good advice, but he stubbornly does what he wants. I love hearing these things and I long to hear more!
What is wrong with me? And you know what else is troublesome to me? At the end, I offer no advice, no counsel, no verse from the bible. Why? All I want is to hear more stories about people’s marital struggles.
This has been going for quite some time now and I have been bothered by it. “Lord,” I prayed, “what is going on with me?” A few days ago, God showed me the answer.
I went out walking where I live. There is this grave site which is quite nice to walk through – very hilly and the scenery is so nice. As I was walking down a hill getting ready to exit the grave site, a friend of mine who also lost his wife to cancer five years ago was motioning me to come to him. I noticed that there were two cars on each side of the guard shack where he was working – one on his left and one on his right side.
When I came to him, he introduced me to the person on his right – a pastor from a church in town. Then he introduced me to the person on his left – a retired college teacher. Both recently lost their wives.
As the four of us were sharing stories, laughing, remembering, getting to know one another, I shared with them how strange it was for me as a pastor to delight so much in listening to other people’s marital problems. I told them that I offer no counsel, no verse from the bible, all I want instead is to hear people’s stories. Why do I feel like this?
My friend shared something with rest of us that floored us because he hit the answer right on the head. He said that he too gets the same thing working at the grave site. He often hears other employees talk to him about their wives or husbands.
One morning while he was working, a fellow employee pulled up to the guard shack. His wife was driving the car. He got out and marched around the car looking terribly upset. She did not say a word to him but quickly took off. When he got into the guard shack and started to unload on my friend what had transpired that morning between him and his wife, my friend said, “I would give everything I have to experience what you are telling me, just one more time!”
When he said this, all three of us who were listening shouted “Yes! That’s it. That’s so true!”
And later as I walked away from that impromptu meeting, I had my answer. Now I understand why I long to hear of people share with me their marital struggles. It is because I reminisce during the times when I was married. I so much desire to hear my wife tell me, “Please turn off the light so I can get some sleep!” LOL! I long to have just ONE MORE ARUGMENT with my wife over something silly. I desire greatly to hear her say, “Please don’t use that joke in your sermon.” I miss so much tickling her and seeing her face get all contorted and trying desperately to run from me but I would grab her arm and pull her back in bed. I miss her telling me, “Did you shower yet?” And I would say, “Why?” She would twitch her nose and say, “Because you need one!” LOL!
I miss her telling me what to buy at the store and then her reaction when I would come home and apologetically tell her, “I forgot.” I would give everything to hear her scold me again; to rebuke me over a character flaw; to nag me to the point where I want to run into the corner of the house.
I miss going to the store and getting upset over not being able to find her so I could leave. I miss hearing, “Can I get another box of hair color from Down to Earth?” I would reply, “What? Didn’t you just color your hair?” And she would always say, “You always tell me that. It has been a month now.” And then she would show me the gray roots in her hair.
I would do anything and give anything just to have one more argument, one more fight, one more moment of total frustration with my wife! Just one more, that’s all I am asking!
But YOU, oh, you are blessed and you do not even know it. You have each other! You see your issues as personal inconveniences, troublesome moments, and perplexing problems. But listen carefully to what I have to say next. You will NEVER EVER understand fully what you have in your marriage until it is over! You might gain after reading this a better appreciation and understanding, but, take it from someone who is living on this side of life, you will never fully understand the depth and blessing of your marital status until the one you are married to is gone. Then and only then will you understand what you had, but then it will be a only thought, a fantasy, and an “if-only” moment.
Folks, I have chosen to open this side of my life with you to hopefully get you to understand and appreciate your spouse. Your arguments, your issues, your concerns, are probably valid. But cherish those times together. Because some of us would give away all that we have, just to be in your shoes one more time.
