One problem that Christians often will find themselves in is having to lived with an unsaved spouse. Peter addresses this issue in his first letter of chapter 3. The first six verses deals with wives and her need to submit and the seventh verse deals with husbands and their need to understand.
You will notice right away that Peter is a man’s man. He gives six verses to the wives and only one to the husband. You ask, “Why?” Well, it is obvious why. Which one of the two has the most issues to deal with? Not the husband, but the wife.
Al…..right, I digressed. Sorry.
Perhaps, the reason why he addresses more concern for wives is because for them being submitted to an unsaved husband would require more challenges. After all, verse one indicates that wives submission to their husbands are to occur even if they are “disobedient to the Word.” This is a lot tougher for wives with unsaved husbands than it is for husbands with disobedient or unsaved wives. A Christian husband with a non-Christian wife can still rule and maintain headship in the home and do what he pretty much wants to do, whereas a Christian wife with a unsaved or disobedient husband is pretty much bound to her husband’s authority regardless if he is a Christian or not.
But I want to focus on husbands at this time in verse 7 of 1 Peter 3: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
In this one verse, Peter mentions three things husbands need to do concerning their wives, whether their wives are unsaved or saved:
1. Be Considerate of Her Needs – “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way”
Notice how Peter starts out: “You husbands likewise. . .” Likewise what? Well, we have to go back to the previous verses concerning wives. What was the main issue for wives regarding their husbands? Submission (vv. 1, 5-6). Likewise husbands are to submit to their wives as well.
However, here the husband is not submitting to his wife for authority reasons, but for personal reasons. In other words, husbands are to submit to their wives in terms of understanding their needs. If your wife has a need, then do the right thing and submit yourself in meeting her needs.
What are some needs wives have? They have the need to be:
Cherished
Nourished
Protected
Love
Listened to
Time together
Respected
Honor
These are some of the important needs wives have. Husbands therefore are likewise (i.e. just as wives should submit to their husbands for authority reasons) to submit to their wives for personal reasons in order to meet their God-given needs.
Paul said the same thing in Ephesians 5:21: “Be submissive to one another in the fear of Christ.” When a husband neglects the needs of his wife, he is violating this command in the Scripture. Understanding the needs of one’s wife is not something a husband is born with. He must humble himself, submit himself, educate himself, and take steps to be considerate of his wife’s needs. This is why Peter says that husbands ought to live with their wives in an understanding way. Husbands ought to understand their wives. Once a husband takes the time to listen to his wife and understand her better, then he can submit himself in meeting her needs. Again, this submission is not over an authority issue, but for love and personal reasons. Husbands should have no problem doing this.
2. Be Respectful of Her Design – “You have to live with her as with a weaker since she is a woman”
The word “weaker” is a comparative word. Peter is making a comparison. You ask, “A comparison to whom?” To husbands. You see, of the two, if the wife is said to be a weaker vessel, then that would make the husband to be what? A “weak” vessel, right? So husbands are weak vessels and wives are weaker ones.
So this does not give husbands a superiority complex. It is not a matter of wives being weaker and husbands being stronger. No, wives are weaker and husbands are weak. Now you ask, “Weak in what way?” In submitting to their wives and meeting their needs.
You see, husbands cannot submit to their wives and begin to live with them in an understanding way so as to meet their needs in the power of the flesh. Husbands don’t naturally do this. They do the exact opposite. Husbands are weak when it comes to living with their wives in an understanding way. They need the help of God to enable them to submit.
Likewise, wives are not naturally inclined to submit to their husbands, more so even if their husbands are not Christians. I come across wives who have in mind that submission to their husbands only entails that which they favor. If their husbands do not do what they expect or make the decision they seek, then submitting to them is out of the question.
When this happens, what do wives tend to do? They substitute submission with verbal disagreement. They attack their husbands directly to their face and indirectly behind their back by talking stink about them to others. I know. I hear this often.
Husbands in due time will pick up on such things. They know when their wives are talking about them to their friends, neighbors, or other family members. This is no way to win your husband over to the things of Christ. This will not make him into a better or stronger leader in the home.
And may I also add this: I meet with some of the men on an average of once per week. . .all the men once per two weeks. I spend on average one to two hours with some of the men. My calling is to build them up in the Lord. How do I do this? I use words of encouragement, the Bible, and help them to find within their God-given potential waiting to be released.
But here’s my dilemma: There are what -- a 168 hours in a week? I get a husband 2 hours of the 168 per week. This means that the rest of the hours are spent more with wives than with me.
So here is I find that happens. I do my best to build a husband up in the Lord for two hours. Then I release him, he goes home and for the rest of the week, his wife shoots him down with her words of disapproval, disrespect and dishonor. She tells him in so many ways how no-good he is. He does not do this or do that. He works too much, rests too much, plays too much, does not spend enough time here and there. By and large, the wife unloads on her husband 20 to 1 negatives.
So, when it is my time to have him back again, I find him downtrodden, beaten, bruised and discouraged, all by the words of his wife. So, I start to repair him with words of encouragement. I share lessons from the bible. events to attend, fellowships to go to so as to interact with other men.
He gets pumped up a little and then he goes home and become deflated over the next few days because of the verbal rampage of the wife.
Then on Sunday, a wife will come to me and say, “Pastor Rich, what are you going to do about my husband?” I want to pull out my hair and scream!
You see, if I or any pastor is going to build up husbands so they will be better leaders in the home, we need for wives to partner with us by stop tearing down the work God is doing in their lives. Partner with us by encouraging them. Surely not all they do is negative that has to be thrown at them. Compliment them. Say something encouraging to them. Support them.
What did Peter say? Your husbands may be won “without a word from the behavior of their wives” (1 Pet. 3:1).
Here’s a little pastoral advice to wives: Do not try to compete with us. Let us use the words to build your husbands up and teach them from the Scriptures to be a man of God. You, on the other hand, implore righteous and submissive behavior. If I can use sound and encouraging words and you use sound and submissive behavior, we partnering together with the help of God can turn your husband into a mighty man of God. Otherwise, whenever I get your husband, I got to spend the majority of my time rebuilding the foundation back instead of building on the foundation. And often times, husbands will unload on me how they feel and when they are done, time is up. I said two words and then we close in prayer and I got to leave for another meeting. I become nothing more than a sounding board from week to week. Thus, I get very little accomplished.
But wives, I do not want to suggest it is all your fault. No! Husbands got some serious issues too, but it takes them a lot longer to talk about them. Wives will tell me in the first meeting what the problems are. Husbands want to talk about everything other than the real issues. So for me to get husbands to finally discuss their role and responsibility in their marriage and their side of the problem, it takes a little longer. Be patient. Help me to help you. We’re getting there.
Now being the weaker vessel wives are expected to have more attention than the weak vessels (husbands). This is why Peter, who was married (cf. Mark 1:30) tells husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way. It takes a great deal of understanding to know your wife and how she operates, thinks and functions as a woman. Getting married and expected to have a happy and successful home living with a woman is not something to take lightly. Interestingly, the word for “understanding” is the Greek word “gnosis,” and it generally means “knowledge.” The idea is for husbands to have knowledge about their wives, much like a husband would have knowledge about things related to his career or better yet, the bible.
Here, let me put it this way. If your knowledge of the Bible was in the same proportion of the knowledge you have about your wife, how much of the Bible would you know and understand? There are three degrees of Christian maturity mentioned in the Bible (cf. 1 John 2:14-14):
1. Children
2. Young men
3. Fathers
Based on your knowledge and understanding of your wife (considering those of you who have been married for a while), what category of Christian maturity would you fall into if the same knowledge of your wife corresponded to the knowledge you have of God’s Word? Get to know and understand your wife. That’s your husbandly duty. Peter tells husbands to get to know and understand their wives, but he did not say the same for the wives. Why? No need to. It is already built within their DNA to do so. They do not need to be told to get to know their husbands – they will. They will end up knowing more about you than you will know about yourself.
So husbands are to be considerate of their wives; be respectful of her design, and
3. Be Mindful of Her Position Before God – “Grand her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life”
What does this mean? Notice she is a “fellow heir.” In the home, it is true, she is under you and your authority. But before God in terms of salvation, she enjoys the same exact standing as you do. Don’t ever think that as a husband you are more closer to God than your wife is. Remember what Paul said in Galatians 3:28: There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.
In Christ, both husbands and wives who are saved enjoy the same standing before God in Christ. Both are fellow heirs to the grace of life. Therefore, grant her that respect. You owe it to her.
The word “grant” is a very rare word. It is known as a hapax legomenon, used only here in Peter in all the New Testament. It literally means “to assign.” Peter is putting on husbands the responsibility to assign to their wives honor as fellow heirs to the grace of life. If they feel second class, or if they operate outside of their God-given role, it is the husband’s direct duty to see to it that they are taught and assigned the honor that God has given to them.
Now watch this – this is critical. One way to grant to your wife honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life is for you to listen to her more often. Let me repeat this: STRIVE TO LISTEN TO HER MORE OFTEN! God will bless you as you listen to the voice of wisdom coming from wife.
A great example of this is found in Matthew 27. Jesus is before Pilate and is about to be crucified. Pilate knows that the Jews had delivered Him up to him out of envy. Jesus was did not break any law – certainly no law that deserved death.
But Pilate was wishy-washy. He did not have the gonads to make the right decision. So one night Mrs. Pilate has a dream. In the dream God spoke to her. The next day, she tells her husband, “Have nothing to do with that righteous man; for last night I suffered greatly in a dream because of Him” (v. 19).
Notice that out from her dream, she understood that Jesus was “righteous,” and therefore not guilty of any crime deserving death. And second, if you do not disassociate yourself from Him, you will end up suffering severely.
Pilate did not listen to his wife and today is paying the consequences and will continue paying such consequences for all eternity.
Pay more attention to your wife!
A man in North Carolina bought a new car with a voice-warning system. ... At first he was amused to hear the soft female voice gently remind him that his seat belt wasn’t fastened. ... Edwin affectionately called this voice the "little woman."
He soon discovered his little woman was programmed to warn him about his gasoline. "Your fuel level is low," she said one time in her sweet voice. Edwin nodded his head and thanked her. He figured he still had enough to go another fifty miles, so he kept on driving. But a few minutes later, her voice interrupted again with the same warning.
And so it went over and over. Although he knew it was the same recording, Edwin thought her voice sounded harsher each time. Finally, he stopped his car and crawled under the dashboard. After a quick search, he found the appropriate wires and gave them a good yank. So much for the little woman!
He was still smiling to himself a few miles later when his car began sputtering and coughing. He ran out of gas! Somewhere inside the dashboard, Edwin was sure he could hear the little woman laughing.
When you don’t listen to your wife and you end up eating it because you went against her better judgment, most likely she will not be laughing at you because going against her better judgment will also bring severe consequences to her as well. She suffers too.
Therefore, be considerate of your wife; be respectful of her design; and be mindful of her position before God. You say, “Yeah, but what if I neglect doing these things, then what?”
Here are three things in your life which will greatly be hindered:
1. Your prayer life – “so that your prayers will not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7). Peter says, “husbands, you better be considerate of her needs, respectful of her design, and mindful of her position before God. If not, your prayer life (i.e. your hotline to God) will suffer for it.” Don’t bother praying. Don’t bother asking God for things. He’s not listening. He’s not paying attention.
2. Your Worship Time – Matthew 5:23: 23 “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
If you come to church to worship and praise God, and God reminds you that your wife has something against you, please don’t come to church, put on a pious face, raise your hands during the praise service and start worship God. Knock it off. Go home and get things right with your wife first and then come back to church. If you miss the 9:00am service then you can still attend the 11:00am service. But you should not even step foot in the church if your wife has something against you.
To God it is more important to be right with your wife than to be worshiping Him. Notice how Jesus said, “Go. . .then. . .” The idea is go first and be reconciled and then you are able to worship. Why is this? Because you got sin in your heart by not being in right with your wife. And if you got sin in your life, what in the world are you doing worshiping God? Don’t you think the sin will greatly affect and hinder your worship? It surely will!
This is why Jesus said in verse 25, “settle your differences quickly.” You don’t want to let whatever is hindering your worship of God to linger. Get things right fast and then get back to church and continue your worship.
I would love for a husband to come to me and say, “Pastor Rich, I’m sorry, I got to leave. God reminded me that my wife has something against me. I said some things to her before church that left a bitter taste in her mouth. I got to go and make things right. I’ll try to make it back, but if not, I’ll see you next week with my wife by my side.”
YES! I would flip! I would shout on the inside, “Hallelujah for that man of God! That’s what I am talking about!”
So if you don’t do what 1 Peter 3:7 says, forget praying, forget about worshiping and
3. Forget your Ministry – 1 Timothy 3:4-5: He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?
Paul is writing to Timothy about leaders in the church who are married. He says, “Timothy, when you choose leaders in the church, find those who have their homes managed well.”
The word “well” means “leaving no room for blame.” In other words, Paul is not talking about perfection, but “progression.” It is the idea of health or becoming well. The leader’s home is not perfect, but it’s becoming better. His home is not getting sicker, but getting better or getting well. It is progressing upward and not downward.
Now if a husband’s home is not progressing upward, then how can he do anything in the church? How can he manage a ministry in the church when he cannot even manage his own home? The proof of a man’s success at church will be the success of his home – starting with his wife.
So there it is husbands, straight from the Bible. We do not need more men to do more things in the church, we need more men who are married taking care of things at home first. A church is only as strong and successful as the homes of its members are. If we are to have a healthy church, we need healthy homes. And the health of a home is the direct responsibility of husbands. It doesn’t matter if your wife is saved or not; what matters is how determine are you going to be in obeying God.
